Recently I wrote about how we use our voices yet the question could just as easily have been are we listening? And if we are, are we really listening to what’s being said, or simply hearing it?
I had a meeting with a new client last week so I took the subway downtown. I’m fortunate that my business is primarily online so I very rarely need to venture far, yet it also means that I often miss much of the usual day-to-day interaction that commuting can offer. So my trip downtown was a little bit of an eye-opener in some ways.
As I sat in my little part of the train, I couldn’t help but overhear the conversations around me. Dialogues, actually – the majority weren’t very conversational.
I heard a guy telling his girlfriend about issues he was going through at his workplace. How he was afraid that he was going to lose his job as he was having a major character clash with his supervisor. The girl nodded a few times, then when the guy had finished she launched straight into a speech about her hair appointment later in the week.
No questions about her partner’s supervisor, or what was causing the clash. No comforting words. Simply waiting until the talking had stopped and then into her own details.
It’s a common theme. I’ve watched couples go through the motions of conversation but not really conversing. I’ve sat in on business meetings before where someone is talking and you can clearly see who’s listening around the table and who isn’t. And then they wonder why instructions weren’t carried out properly, or key points were missed.
So why aren’t we listening properly?
Have our attention spans really been eroded so much by incidental noise around us that we can no longer focus on the words behind the spoken ones? Do we need to have something repeated to us before it really sinks in?
I’m not perfect – I know in the past I’ve been guilty of having selective hearing. It’s something I had to work on, particularly when I went into business for myself. If I don’t listen properly it’s my livelihood.
With all the communication tools we have at our disposal today, perhaps we are distracted. Perhaps the choice has made us lazier at filtering what’s noise and what’s filler. Perhaps there’s a finer line than ever before between the two. Whatever it is, one thing is clear – we aren’t listening as well as we’re hearing a lot of the time.
What’s your take? Are we listening less or am I off base? What’s your solution?
photo credit: Denis Collette…!!!
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One thought is the difference between hearing and listening. You intersperse both words above, but perhaps the kids in the subway were hearing each other, but not listening…. like the difference between talking and speaking.
Let me explain.
When President Obama presented his inaugural address, that was a speech. He spoke. He didn't talk. Talking is like blabbering, ranting, blowing words into the wind. His advisors, Cabinet appointees, and legislators listened. Some campaigners listened. But many only heard.
Maybe I'm not explaining this succintly. It's a fine line but a distinct one, I think. Thoughts?
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I agree – that was the point I was making.
It's very easy to hear – it's not so easy to listen. That's where the trick lies. We can all hear what we choose to, but it's only if we understand and act on something that we truly listen to what's being said.
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It's also about–cliche alert–changing your mindset. Listening, by the dictionary definition, involves your ears. But I am listening to you now. Or am I? Maybe I'm reading and my brain interprets it as listening.
Odd.
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Twitter: ariherzog
One thought is the difference between hearing and listening. You intersperse both words above, but perhaps the kids in the subway were hearing each other, but not listening…. like the difference between talking and speaking.
Let me explain.
When President Obama presented his inaugural address, that was a speech. He spoke. He didn't talk. Talking is like blabbering, ranting, blowing words into the wind. His advisors, Cabinet appointees, and legislators listened. Some campaigners listened. But many only heard.
Maybe I'm not explaining this succintly. It's a fine line but a distinct one, I think. Thoughts?
I agree – that was the point I was making.
It's very easy to hear – it's not so easy to listen. That's where the trick lies. We can all hear what we choose to, but it's only if we understand and act on something that we truly listen to what's being said.
Twitter: ariherzog
It's also about–cliche alert–changing your mindset. Listening, by the dictionary definition, involves your ears. But I am listening to you now. Or am I? Maybe I'm reading and my brain interprets it as listening.
Odd.
What a relevant topic to read about as I was just engaged in a conversation yesterday about listening. I totally agree that people fail to be "active listeners" and instead are taking the time to script out their dialog…which typically has nothing to do with the comments being made by others in the conversation. Admittedly, I could do a much better job as an "active listener" myself…but who couldn't?
My tips for "active listening" include: 1) always be on the short side of the 80/20 rule; 2) when responding try and repeat or confirm what others are telling you; and 3) take the approach – in any & every conversation – how can I help this person or add value to the topics being discussed.
Great post & topic, Danny!
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Like so many other things, listening is a skill that must be developed. The best advice I've heard about how to listen effectively comes from spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, who says that the way to ensure that you are really, really listening is to remain focused in the now. If all other distractions are cleared away, then you are able to clearly set your intention on listening to the person who is talking to you and absorbing their message.
It's much, much easier said than done – but try it next time you are at an event, in a room full of people. Try to let everything else go, and focus all your attention on the person who is talking to you. Not only will you get more out of the conversation, but the person will respond to your focused energy in a positive way and you'll make an even stronger connection. It works! Try it!
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I've argued for years that there many organizations and people have a hard time listening. In recent years this phenomenon has been exacerbated by the internet.
There are now tons of methods and tools for people to talk…but none of these tools make it inherently easy to listen. These tools (twitter, blogs, etc) make it easy to appear to listen…but are we really listening? Are people / organizations really taking the information that is being shared with them and doing something with it?
Take Twitter for example. How many people really 'listen' to the conversations on there? There are some who do a good job (yourself included Danny) but many others who are just blasting away without listening to the other folks they are following.
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Funny you mention the 80/20 rule, it's something I use in pretty much everything I do – would be lost without its principles.
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It reminds me of something that someone (I fail to recall, sadly) once said: "Treat the person in front of you as if they're the only person in the world. For that duration of time, they should be."
Wise words.
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I think I mentioned on someone's blog post today that it seems ironic that the farther our outreach grows, the more it seems to shrink. At least it feels like that at times…
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Sounds like a good blog post…:) Have a great day, Danny!
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Danny Brown helps us to stop for a minute and think about the way we converse. Now that we have so many channels open for conversation it is crucial to reexamine how do we listen (or only hear) the other side. I also liked the 80/20 rule suggested in one of the comments.
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What a relevant topic to read about as I was just engaged in a conversation yesterday about listening. I totally agree that people fail to be "active listeners" and instead are taking the time to script out their dialog…which typically has nothing to do with the comments being made by others in the conversation. Admittedly, I could do a much better job as an "active listener" myself…but who couldn't?
My tips for "active listening" include: 1) always be on the short side of the 80/20 rule; 2) when responding try and repeat or confirm what others are telling you; and 3) take the approach – in any & every conversation – how can I help this person or add value to the topics being discussed.
Great post & topic, Danny!
Funny you mention the 80/20 rule, it's something I use in pretty much everything I do – would be lost without its principles.
Sounds like a good blog post…:) Have a great day, Danny!
Like so many other things, listening is a skill that must be developed. The best advice I've heard about how to listen effectively comes from spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, who says that the way to ensure that you are really, really listening is to remain focused in the now. If all other distractions are cleared away, then you are able to clearly set your intention on listening to the person who is talking to you and absorbing their message.
It's much, much easier said than done – but try it next time you are at an event, in a room full of people. Try to let everything else go, and focus all your attention on the person who is talking to you. Not only will you get more out of the conversation, but the person will respond to your focused energy in a positive way and you'll make an even stronger connection. It works! Try it!
It reminds me of something that someone (I fail to recall, sadly) once said: "Treat the person in front of you as if they're the only person in the world. For that duration of time, they should be."
Wise words.
Twitter: ericdbrown
I've argued for years that there many organizations and people have a hard time listening. In recent years this phenomenon has been exacerbated by the internet.
There are now tons of methods and tools for people to talk…but none of these tools make it inherently easy to listen. These tools (twitter, blogs, etc) make it easy to appear to listen…but are we really listening? Are people / organizations really taking the information that is being shared with them and doing something with it?
Take Twitter for example. How many people really 'listen' to the conversations on there? There are some who do a good job (yourself included Danny) but many others who are just blasting away without listening to the other folks they are following.
I think I mentioned on someone's blog post today that it seems ironic that the farther our outreach grows, the more it seems to shrink. At least it feels like that at times…
I completely agree with your argument here. There's definitely much more dialogue and much less conversation taking place. Take a look at the latest #journchat session for example (Twitter Monday night chats)…I've been participating for a month or so now and have found that with an exponentially higher number of Twitterers joining the session, each brings their own agenda and tweets about topics unrelated to the questions posed by the moderator of the session. As participants fail to listen to others' viewpoints and fail to respond with equally thoughtful comments, the "conversation" loses quality. And I think that's exactly the problem lately, everyone wants to be heard and break through the clutter but too often people fail to develop the relationship and carry on a meaningful conversation and prefer to push their own agenda instead.
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That's a fantastic point you make. I used to take part in #journchat every week (or at least lurk and watch and learn) but the filtering of quality info over self-indulgence just got too much.
That's the whole point that's being missed, though – when two sides come together to try and learn from each other, it can only happen with fully open ears. That's the same for any conversation. Otherwise you get the situation you mention here and then it's back to square one.
Thanks for sharing your view.
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I completely agree with your argument here. There's definitely much more dialogue and much less conversation taking place. Take a look at the latest #journchat session for example (Twitter Monday night chats)…I've been participating for a month or so now and have found that with an exponentially higher number of Twitterers joining the session, each brings their own agenda and tweets about topics unrelated to the questions posed by the moderator of the session. As participants fail to listen to others' viewpoints and fail to respond with equally thoughtful comments, the "conversation" loses quality. And I think that's exactly the problem lately, everyone wants to be heard and break through the clutter but too often people fail to develop the relationship and carry on a meaningful conversation and prefer to push their own agenda instead.
That's a fantastic point you make. I used to take part in #journchat every week (or at least lurk and watch and learn) but the filtering of quality info over self-indulgence just got too much.
That's the whole point that's being missed, though – when two sides come together to try and learn from each other, it can only happen with fully open ears. That's the same for any conversation. Otherwise you get the situation you mention here and then it's back to square one.
Thanks for sharing your view.
This topic is on a lot of minds this week. I think many of us are so highly distracted. And our new mobile technologies don't help either (my most recent blog post). I worry sometimes about what we are missing when we are not listening, particularly with loved ones. What kind of message does it send to my three-year-old son when I'm texting on my cell while fixing his breakfast? What kind of message does it send to my colleagues when I talk to them on the phone with "email voice", you know when you are on the phone with someone and then decide to check your emai. This is what we sound like " Ah, um, ok, yeah, well " I'm trying my best to be "in the moment" when I am having a conversation with someone, but I too will admit I am not always successful.
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That's a key point you raise there, Sarah.
We have way too many devices, tools, applications, etc, that are built to keep us distracted in one way or another, that we forget why we never used to be so distracted. As you say, we're in danger of setting the same example for our kids and the problem only grows. It's a fine line and one we have to work out better, for sure.
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This topic is on a lot of minds this week. I think many of us are so highly distracted. And our new mobile technologies don't help either (my most recent blog post). I worry sometimes about what we are missing when we are not listening, particularly with loved ones. What kind of message does it send to my three-year-old son when I'm texting on my cell while fixing his breakfast? What kind of message does it send to my colleagues when I talk to them on the phone with "email voice", you know when you are on the phone with someone and then decide to check your emai. This is what we sound like " Ah, um, ok, yeah, well " I'm trying my best to be "in the moment" when I am having a conversation with someone, but I too will admit I am not always successful.
That's a key point you raise there, Sarah.
We have way too many devices, tools, applications, etc, that are built to keep us distracted in one way or another, that we forget why we never used to be so distracted. As you say, we're in danger of setting the same example for our kids and the problem only grows. It's a fine line and one we have to work out better, for sure.
I've really enjoyed reading this post and comments. I also use listening as part of my bread and butter. Since I get a number of clients through personal touch (networking), there are certain things I notice. I call it the "yakety yak." Sometimes circumstances throw us off our game. Sometimes we get caught up in the fear of looking stupid or unprofessional. Being in the here and now is a choice. One other point, it is an amazing gift to be seen and heard. People remember how you treat them.
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Twitter: 3keyscoach
I've really enjoyed reading this post and comments. I also use listening as part of my bread and butter. Since I get a number of clients through personal touch (networking), there are certain things I notice. I call it the "yakety yak." Sometimes circumstances throw us off our game. Sometimes we get caught up in the fear of looking stupid or unprofessional. Being in the here and now is a choice. One other point, it is an amazing gift to be seen and heard. People remember how you treat them.
Danny — Thank you for sharing this post on a very relevant & timely topic. And I have enjoyed reading the comments & learning from them. The examples you wrote of are all too often demonstrated everyday. Many of us, myself included, try to be active listeners & pay attention to what is being said by others. But have also been guilty of cutting off others as they speak. We can commit to learning from these transgressions, especially when our communications get interrupted & are not given focused attention. As we can see, the lack of focused attention is affecting relationships of all levels (personal, professional, etc.). So it is then up each of us as individuals to make a choice as to whether we want relationships & connections with human beings or machines. The old adage of 'treat people the way you want to be treated' will always hold true. The positive vibe & energy that is exchanged from one interaction has a rippling affect to others afterwards. It is indeed a gift & a blessing to be seen, listened to and heard in the here & now.
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Danny — Thank you for sharing this post on a very relevant & timely topic. And I have enjoyed reading the comments & learning from them. The examples you wrote of are all too often demonstrated everyday. Many of us, myself included, try to be active listeners & pay attention to what is being said by others. But have also been guilty of cutting off others as they speak. We can commit to learning from these transgressions, especially when our communications get interrupted & are not given focused attention. As we can see, the lack of focused attention is affecting relationships of all levels (personal, professional, etc.). So it is then up each of us as individuals to make a choice as to whether we want relationships & connections with human beings or machines. The old adage of 'treat people the way you want to be treated' will always hold true. The positive vibe & energy that is exchanged from one interaction has a rippling affect to others afterwards. It is indeed a gift & a blessing to be seen, listened to and heard in the here & now.
I don't think listening has ever been easy. To me, you first have to care about the task/issue at hand. If you care about closing a deal, then you'll want to draw out and listen to your client's concerns. If you care about talking to your colleague on the phone, then you'll close the door or find a quiet spot or stop multi-tasking, etc. Beyond that, feel free to read what I've learned as a volunteer at a telephone crisis center:
http://blog.marcwong.me/2009/01/art-of-listening….
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I don't think listening has ever been easy. To me, you first have to care about the task/issue at hand. If you care about closing a deal, then you'll want to draw out and listen to your client's concerns. If you care about talking to your colleague on the phone, then you'll close the door or find a quiet spot or stop multi-tasking, etc. Beyond that, feel free to read what I've learned as a volunteer at a telephone crisis center:
http://blog.marcwong.me/2009/01/art-of-listening….
Have recommended "listening" posts before, but this 1 that I just came across shouldn’t be missed: Are We Listening? http://u.nu/5irw3
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